Act. And I wonder Scene. As I wander

Lights up.

An interrogation room.
But also a stage somehow.
Really it's a therapy session.
The therapists name is Dr. Kerogudkfhldkahich III.
He specializes in people.
People who are plain people.
People who are nothign else but people.
People who are perfectly fine... but are JUST people.
In our world today that seems to be something frowned upon in most casses.

His first client walks up to the microphone.
His name is Chuck.
Chuck has an overbite.

Voice (the Dr.). Whenever you're ready, Chuchk.

The voice is loud and booming and scares Chuck.
He begins to Shake.

Voice. It's okay, Chuck... I'm here. We've been through this before. We can do this.

Chuck. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. (DEEEEEEP BREATH) I want to be happy. I want to stop feeling so sad. I want to stop remembering what it was like before the accident. I think that if I forget what it was like before I was unhappy... I wouldn't think about that time I was happy so much... and I wouldn't have anything to compare this unhappiness to... and I would think that it was normal and I was happy now. And I would be able to grow. And I would be able to love. And I would be able to see. And I would be able to let go. And I would be able to to be happy. And I would be able to be happy. And I would be able to understand happiness. And I would be able to say fuck ya'll. Because that's what I wanna do. That's all I wanna fucking do. say Fuck Ya'll. To those who I gave more love to than gave love to me. To those I spent countless nights with and got nothing back. To those who I laid in my bed with used my arm as a pillow and I didn't complain when it fell asleep because I knew it mad you comfortable. Naw. Naw. Naw. Not any mo' mothafucka. This getting's got to git got. And check it right heah. I'm gonna by the one ta led it drop. See? I'm gonna be the one ta take the stand. I'm gonna be the one that will say FUCK YOU when I see you coming to my door again. FUCK YOU. You ain't welcome here no more. Maria. If you can hear me. Hear this. You can kiss my shinney white nigga wanna be ass. I hate you maria. You stole my family. You stole my friends. You stole my life. You stole my happiness. You were the acident. I wish I could forget what life was like before I emt you. Maybe. then. Just FUCKING maybe I would give you a chance to come back in my life. (Beat) I remember the nights when we would jsut hold each other and hold each other till the cows come home. You 'member that Maria? When I would stroke your hair? When I would lick your ears? 'Memba that one time, Maria when I was stroking your hair and you said 'stop it' and took my hand and put it on the bed. That hurt Maria. That fucking hurt. That's how this boy rolls. But Maria... damn. You never love me the way I love you. And that's what I need. You hear? That's what this boy fuckign needs. I need someone who can't live without me. I need someone who LOVES the taste of my mouth. I need someone who wants to live inside me. Someone who can't keep their hands of my COCK. HA! DAMN Maria. You none of these things. I sho did love your pussy though. Taste like honey. Warm wet honey that dripped drop dripped drop. You dig?

Maria comes on stage.

Maria. What you RIVING at today, Chuck?

Chuck. Get outa here cunt.

Mara. Oh no. NONONONONONO. You ain't gonna do this to me boy. You ain't gonna do this. 

Chuck. Shut the fuck up.

Maria. What you want from me?! huh?! What you want!?

Chuck. I want you to love me.

Maria. I don't.

(BEAT)

Chuck. Then maybe you should leave.

Maria. Maybe I should leave.

(Nothing happens)

Chuck. Why ain't you goin' nowhere?

Maria. I be here first.

Chuck. Fucking bitch.

Maria. Bitch this bitch that. You just mad because you love me. I ain't never tol you to love me.

Chuck. No one ever asks to be loved.

Maria. You ask to be love. all the fucking time. When you fucking me. Pounding down at me like I'm a sack of dead meat all you say is LOVE ME MARIA LOVE ME.

Chuck. Stop it Maria.

Maria. I ain't love you chuck. I ain't EVA gona love you. That's just how this cookie crumbles. K?

Chuck. SHUT UP.

(BEAT)

Maria. I'll tell you this Chuck the duck. You ain't eva gona find love. And you know why? Because you SPECT it. you spect it to just come on and drop right outa the sky and into yo lap and it ain't gonna do that. That ain't how love works. You walking around here like you someone. You ain't no one. You ain't no one chuck. You gota shitty messy slimy stinky nasty disgusting studio apartment. No one gonna love that. You hate yoself. No one gonna love that.

Chuck. All you eva did was point out all the bad shit about me.

Maria. So?

Chuck. That hurt me, Maria! K? It hurt me real bad.

Maria. Get. Over. It.

Chuck. I hate yo.

Maria. Yo said yo loved me.

Chuck. I was lying befo.

Maria. You ain't never lie a day in your life.

Chuck. That ain't true.

Maria. Bullshit.

Chuck. I lied about all the bad things so you would love me mo.

Maria. Bullshit.

Chuck. You can sleep at home tonight.

Maria. I was planning it. 

Chuck. And while you're there alone in your own bed. I don't want you to think of me. I don't want you to think of all the fun times we had. I don't want you to think of all the laughing we had, Maria. Because those times. Those are my times. You don't deserve times like those. YOu don't deserve those because you takes advantage of me. You out there with all those other guys kissing on them and blowing on them and touching on them. And you ain't eva get they first names. And here I am. Chuck. A man who loves you and you don never once touch me the way you touch them. How do you think that makes me feel? Makes me feel like I ain't got no name. Like I ain't got no face, Maria. And I need a face. I need one real bad. Because this one, according to you, be ugly. I feel it maria. My face be trippin. It be slipping off. Melting. I need a new face. And I ain't neva gon find a new face if it be with you. I hate you, Maria. I hate you. So much.

Slowly through the past scene the stage has turned into a volcano. And then into an island. And then into the ocean. And then into the Moon. And then into Kelly's A200 class in a half hour where he will fail his midterm. Then a sack full of shit. Then a toilet bowl. Then a wad a gum. Then an ant hill. Then another ocean, but not the same one from before. Then my old house. Then on top of my old dog, cody, who- And I'm convinced of this to this day. Was the only thing that was ever living and breathing that loved me.

Maria has disappeared. 

Chuck is by himself.

He speaks into the microphone.

Chuck. How'd I do doctor?

No answer

Chuck. Doctor?

The Doctor has died.

He had a brain aneurism .

Chuck. Shit. Not another one. All I ever wanted was someone who loved me. Someone who can't live without me. I want that. I need that. People be so lucky when they find that. I ain't never going to find it. Ever.

END

Act. WAH Scene TERR

Lights up.

Two people come out on opposite ends of the stage.

They are transfixed.

Things become clearer.

We recognized them.

It is Hamlet and Ophelia. 

Hamlet looks as if he has been through a way zone and shot 234928384020348 times.

Ophelia looks as if she has had all the blood sucked out of her and held on water for a million trillion years.

They walk towards each other... but do not see each other... 

They walk closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and they pass each other. 

There is a SLIGHTSLIGHTSLIGHTSLIGHTSLIGHT pause. It is not recognized by the audience. That's how fucking small this pause is.

In that pause is a moment of realizing someone is there.

They keep walking slowly to thier ends of the stage.

Once they get there. They stop. And take a long turn around and lock eyes.

They recognize each other.

They walk VERY slowly to each other. 

They are face to face.

Hamlet. My Ophelia. Oh... My Ophelia. 

Hamlet lifts his hand to touch Ophelia's face.

Ophelia violently grabs it.

Ophelia. What the fuck you think you're doing? You know what I've been through. I loved you. Mother Fucker. 

Ophelia Spits in Hamlet's Face.

Ophelia Twists Hamlets hand so much his arm breaks.

Ophelia Kicks him in the chest so he falls to the ground. 

Blood comes pouring out of Hamlets mouth. In a whisper we hear him say.

Hamlet. I am standing water.

Ophelia. I'll teach you to flow. 

Ophelia takes her bare foot and steps on Hamlet's throat until it goes through to the ground. She lifts her foot back out of it and continues walking.

Hamlet is left alone on stage.

He sings forever... or until the house is empty... or until some audience member dies... or until Abraham Lincoln raises from the dead... or until Ophelia apologizes... Or until the world ends.

Hamlet. Tomorrow is saint valentines. and I a maid at your window to be your valentine and up she rose and dawn'd her clothes and up'd the chamber door... (Etc)

END

Act. Word. Scene. WORDS

Lights up.

A single spotlight on a beautifully old type writer.

It types.

Type writer. I do not know what to say but I know I am supposed to say something I cannot simply stay stagnant because then I fear that I will cease to exist so I just type and type and type for my life I type and type for my soul I type and I type so that I will not die. Do you think I will die? I think I will die I fear the day that my ribbon will run out I fear the day that people will stop slooking at me I fear the day my stamps of the little beautiful letters will become old and rusted. I love you. I miss you. Com eback to me. Come back little sheba come back. I cannot function without you. Nothing feels right without you. I feel like you complete me. I hate this... this living. I hate this feeling this feeling of nothing. It has been so long since I have felt something. God knows, if I had wrists I would slit them. God knows if I had balls I would cut them of. God knows if I had Guts I would hurl them up and make you look. God knows If I had a backbone what I'd be doing. What would Id be doing/ I wouldn't be here I wouldn't be there. I would be somehweres over theres. Dear God. I forgot how to write. Dear god I forgot how to breath. I am so scared. I amIamamamamamamamamamamamam Help. Please. My stamps. My keys. My ribbon. My life My soul My eyes are becoming like stones and slowly chipping away. And I think the milkman is having an off day.

Act. BLUE Scene BALLS (cont)

The two spoons continue to spoon.

Spoon 1's alarm goes off and sits up in bed.

Spoon 1. Wow. For once I actually wanna get up. ...huh...

Spoon 1 gets up.

Spoon 2 lays there.

I feel so sorry for Spoon 2.

END

Act. Can't Scene. Fly

Lights Up.

Two birds are on stage in mid convo

Bird. really?

bird. Don't.

Bird. I mean, I'm not going to tell anyone I just find it very hard to believe.

bird. Please don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Okay? It's not a big deal.

Bird. It's a pretty big deal.

bird. Shut the fuck up. Drop it okay.

Bird. So what do you say when people ask you to go somewhere.

bird. I just say I'll meet them there in a little while.

Bird. And?

bird. and That I'd prefer to walk.

Bird. Because you can't fly.

bird. Nope.

Bird. how does that make you feel?

bird. Sad. I feel so sad right now. I have no idea why. There is a ball in the pit of my stomach that is wrenching my throat down. I feel like I have no control over my future at all. I feel like my skin doesn't want to be apart of my body at all and it's seperated. Like oil and water. It's like there is this thin layer of air between my muscle and my skin. I feel so disconnected from everything and for the life of me I can't cry. It's like... I've never lived before. It's like I've never felt disappointment before. It's like I want to stop living. I do I just want to stop. Or pick up and start somewhere. I made a mistake. I want it to stop. Please make it stop. I can't stop it. My skin. I see it going. So long. Au vior. I'll miss you.

END

Act. BLUE Scene. BALLS

Spoon 1 and Spoon 2 are lying in bed together.
They are spooning.
Spoon 2 is the little spoon and Spoon 1 is the big spoon.
And they are.

Spoon 1 starts kissing the back of Spoon 2's neck.
Spoon 2 likes it.
Spoon 2 arches their back and lets out a sigh of pleasure.

Spoon 2. MMMhhh....

Spoon 1 then tightens there grip around the body of Spoon 2 and pulls them in tighter.

Spoon 2 responds to this by holding on to Spoon 1's arms.
It's almost as if Spoon 2 is crossing their arms across their chest, but really they are just embracing the arms of Spoon 1.

Spoon 1 cuddles with Spoon 2's neck.
And suddenly.
The timiny is perforect, Spoon 1 begins to think.

Spoon 1 puts their lips up to the ears of Spoon 2 and simply whispers

Spoon 1. I really like you.

There is a silence.
Spoon 2 tightens their grip to Spoon 1.
As if they are holding on for life.

Spoon 2 then says softly.

Spoon 2. Thank you.

Spoon 1 is slightly confused.

Spoon 2. That's very nice of you to say.

Spoon 2 is slightly sad.

Silence.

Spoon 2 is crying.

Act. Someone found love Scene. Now the trick is hanging on

A bed.

Two people tangled upon each other.

They are in a knot. 

It seems as though it could never be untangled.

These two people have been sleeping for 3098 days. 

They are so happy being so close to each other.

Person 1 opens their eyes and smiles. 

The person slowly untangles themselves.

This takes 5.6 minutes. 

Person 1 slowly places person 2's appendages gently on the bed as to not wake them up.

Person 1 kisses person 2 on the forehead and person 2 smiles and rolls on their back.

Person 1 disappears.

948.3 hours go by.

Person 2 slowly wakes up. 

Looks around.

They aren't afraid that person 1 is missing... just recognizing the fact that they are no longer together.

Person 2 begins to cry.

Curls up into a ball. 

Person 2. Why do I feel so incredibly lonesome? I've heard that your happiness is a direct coalition to your sadness. Perhaps it's the other way. (BeatBeatBeatBeatBeatBeatBeatBeat) The mountain can only be as big as low as the hole is dug. 

Person 2 stops and thinks. 

Sits up and pulls their knees in and cries.

Person 2. They're not coming back. I can feel it. 

Person 2 is alone. 

END