Three toilets are present on stage.
A velvet rope blocks them off.
On stage walks a group of tourists with cameras and all.
A tour guide guides them.
Tour Guide. Walk this way. Watch your step please. This way. Annnnddd. We’re stopping. Okay. This is the part of the tour that we like to call Tour De’ Shit.
Tourist. AAAAAAHHHHHHH OOOOHHHHH
Tour Guide. You will notice besides me there are three shitters. They belong to three very important people. The first belonged to abarham Lincoln. The second belong to Stalin. And the third belonged to Kelly Lusk. You may not know third, but he is an up and coming writer who sometimes writes some real bang up stuff and some real shit. No pun intended.
Tourists. AHAHAHHAHAAH HOHOHOHOHOH HAHAHAHAAH
Tour Guide. You know the age old saying ‘You can really tell a lot about a person by looking in their fridge? Well, it really is the shitter. But since in the 20th century we were so concerned about the young children we could not say that. Now in the 21st century we just say ‘fuck em’
Tourists. AHHAHAHAAH OHOHOOOOHO AHAHAHAHH
Tour Guide. Now lets look under the first lid.
The Tour Guide lifts the lid to the first toilet.
Tour Guide. If you will all take a look inside you will see clippings of his hair. It was a common fact that Abraham Lincoln would stand over the toilet for hours on end clipping the hair off of his beard. ONE. BY. ONE.
Tourist. AAAHHH OHHHHHHHH WWWWOOOOOWWWW
Tour Guide. The next toilet is somewhat special. And… there is actually a funny story behind this. Once when Joseph Stalin was to give a speech he was nervous about he would sometimes go and pretend he had diarrhea and sit on the toilet. And they would come and knock on his door and say ‘Joseph, quit your stalin!’
Tourist. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHA
Tour Guide. I love that joke. Ok. Let’s look inside. Now, as you can see here there are tiny words. This one says ‘hope’ while this one says ‘enslavement’.
Suddenly a bird flies out of the toilet.
Tour Guide. Oh look. It’s a woodpecker! How nice.
The tourist grab their cameras and begin taking pictures.
Tourist. OOOHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHHH
Tour Guide. Now, onto the last and final Toilet. This one belongs to Critically acclaimed lover fighter hater shitter all around general ererere. He is not yet famous. He probably won’t be. Now. Lets take a look inside. Mhhh….
Tourists. MMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH>…..
Tour Guide. Inside this toilet you will see… A wade of gum. Some Cigarette butts. And piss.
Tourists. ……………………
Tour Guide. As I said you can tell a lot about a person from looking at their toilet… so go ahead and make your own assumptions.
Tourists. ………………………………..
Tour Guide. Have you made them?
Tourists. YES
Tour Guide. Lets continue the tour.
END
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