Act: I heard she has Scene: Some Pretty big Balls

Lights up.

On Stage is the glorious Joan of Arc in all of her glorious glory.

She is clad in armor.

She has her fists on her hips.

She could easily be mistaken for a man.

She is very powerful

A narrator comes on stage.

He simply stands there.

Joan of Arc. I believe you have a line, good sir.

Narrator. I do not.

Joan of Arc. I am almost positive you say something. For I saw nothing.

Narrator. Bitch. If I'm supposed to talk I'll talk. But I'm not supposed to talk so I'm not going to. So why don't you keep your mouth and your pussy shut and we'll both be happy. Huh?

Joan of Arc. Well I never. WHATS GOING ON?

We hear the playwrights voice as if he is in the back on the light board talking on a microphone.

Playwright. Someone call me?

Joan of Arc. Yeah. I did!

Playwright. Sup?

Joan of Arc. This man does not know his lines!

Playwright. Yeah?

Joan of Arc. I want him replaced. RIGHT NOW!

Playwright. Um... I write the plays. I don't cast them or direct them.

Joan of Arc. Well can you direct me to someone who can help me with this problem?

Playwright. Sure, bro. can you hold?

Joan of Arc. Yes I'll hold.

Click.

We hear elevator music.

Narrator. Ah! Shit, dawg. I love this tune. Da duos Dpo Dow Dpw Dpg Dpso Dppd. Why don't you sing along?

Joan of Arc. Shut up.

Click.

Playwright. Yo. Still there?

Joan of Arc. Yes. I am present.

Playwright. Okay. Here's the deal. You are not a production yet. You are still a play.

Joan of Arc. What does that mean?

Playwright. That means you are just words on a computer screen that people are going to read. Do all this... isn't actually happening. Well... It's happening but its not.

Joan of Arc. I beg your pardon?

Playwright. Uh. Shit. Ok Ok Ok Ok. It's like the moment between you think about opening the door and you actually open the door. Like. It's there. But. It's not there. Sort of. Make sense?

Joan of Arc. So I'm just instructions?

Playwright. YEAH!! THATS IT!!! Shit. You're a smart bitch.

Joan of Arc. I'm just instructions that tell what the actress who will play me to do?

Playwright. Bingo.

Joan of Arc. So I'm nothing?

Playwright. You are kind of something.

Joan of Arc. A collection of Letters that were coincidentally arranged.

Playwright. Oh. Man. Don't be such a downer. All of my other shows I've been writting have been sorta heavy. I wanted to have a light fun show. 

Joan of Arc. You're the playwright. Do what you wish.

Playwright. Um. Okay... How about...

Suddenly the narrator runs off stage.

Moment.

He runs back on stage and throws a pie in Joan's face.

Playwright. HAHAHAHHAHA OH SHIT!!! HAHAHAH THAT WAS GREAT!! I JUST PIED JOAN OF ARC!!! I JUST FUCKING PIED JOAN OF FUCKING ARC!!! OH GOD DAMN! THAT WAS GREAT!!! That was great. Thanks, bro.

Narrator. I love pie-ing me a white chick.

Playwright. Gross.

Joan of Arc. Can you make me do something?

Playwright. Like what?

Joan of Arc. You know what?

Playwright. 'scuse me?

Joan of Arc. You had the idea of how you were going to end this one before you even started it.

Playwright. True.

Joan of Arc. Why did you decide to waste me as a character?

Playwright. A girl asked me to write a play about you. I thought it would be fun to make you do dumb things.

Joan of Arc. Oh.

Playwright. And I didn't waste you? Okay? So stop your complaining. I can use you later if I want. It's not like anyone is actually going to put on these shit shows.

Suddenly, in the middle of the playwrights ranting, Joan of Arc begins doing jumping jacks. 

Playwright. What are you doing?

Joan of Arc. Oh, shut the fuck up! This is what you wanted me to do. You thought that'd it be so funny if you asked Joan of Arc to do jumping jacks and never ask her to stop. And then have her beg and plead with the narrator to make her stop or kill her or perhaps burn her at the stake! Well, fuck you. I am going to do these jumping jacks until I die. I'm going to do these jumping jacks until you die. I'm going to do these jumping jacks. For ever.

She continues. 

Forever.

END